The Wonders of Coprorate America

Cool, quiet, dim office. Practically vacant. That's why it's nice to be the first one here.

Plus it's Friday. Plus it's Summertime.

Wow, I think I just saw a tumbleweed roll by cubicle town.

So, I haven't posted in a while. I know, I know. You're all very angry with me for leaving you thirsty, hanging....craving any crumb of a detail about my life.

Oh yeah…I forgot. No one actually reads this blog.

But clearly that doesn't stop me!

Anyway….as I was saying….office. Have you ever seen the movie Office Space? If not, you MUST rent it. And if you actually work in any kind of office - especially one involving a lot of cubicles, irritating co-workers and malfunctioning fax machines - you must rent it IMMEDIATELY!!

I work in a place even more corporate than the company depicted in Office Space. And for those of you familiar with Dilbert - I personally KNOW the Pointy Haired Boss and the Evil HR director. They. Exist.

But here are some of the things I find absolutely FASCINATING (and by that I mean completely ridiculous and/or idioitic) about working in Corporate-ville.

1) ACRONYMS: We have an online dictionary that allows us to type in any acronym typically used in this company (and there are MANY) and it will give you the definition. Are you getting this peeps? Read that again. We have a DICTIONARY for our ACRONYMS. I can actually speak in WHOLE SENTENCES using only acronyms and be perfectly understood. WTF??

2) CATCH PHRASES: Seriously…if I hear the expression "think outside the box" ONE MORE TIME my head might explode. Or, get this…around here we don't use the word "problem" - we say "challenge". Because if you're not paying attention and/or you're an idiot, you might not realize that the CHALLENGE of actually achieving your unresourced, unrealistic corporate goals, is in actuality, a big ass PROBLEM.

3) SPORTS ANALOGIES: I admit it. I am one of those females who know next to nothing about sports. But I work in a male dominated organization. So guess what? Sports Analogies. Earlier in my career, I might have smiled politely and acted like I actually comprehended what on God’s Green Earth mr. corporate dude was referring to. Now? I JUST. DON'T. CARE. Exhibit A: I was in a meeting the other day with 2 other females. Our manager (gender=MALE) was making a point to the 3 of us and launched into an elaborate baseball analogy. Could he not see our glazed and vacant stares?? Was our drool simply not evident?? I couldn't help myself. I responded as follows: "I have absolutely NO idea what you just said". Puh-leeze. I've been doing this far too long to pretend I have even the slightest clue as to what the hell a 3rd baseman and a bunch of outfielders have to do with the excel spreadsheet we've been dissecting for the last 3 hours. Speaking of which…

4) SPREADSHEETS: Who knew Excel and I would be such close friends? I spend more time with Excel than I do with my own family. Pivot tables are my life. I actually got excited about a recently offered Pivot Table class which would totally-completely-further-expand-the-powerful-use-of-this-tool!!!!

OMG. who AM i?

5) COMPANY PARTIES: This really should have been at the top of this list. In all fairness, I'm not exactly an extrovert. But there is almost NOTHING I hate more than running a 3-legged race with my co-workers. Grrrlfriend -- don’t EVEN get me started on the egg-toss and water balloon events (insert ferocious triple snap here). Additionally, people get drunk at company parties. And act inappropriately. Totally not interested in watching those horrors play out. I spend enough time at work so if I'm going to socialize, I would rather do it with my family and friends. To me, these events are the exact definition of Forced Fun. And lest you DARE consider skipping out, you'll be getting all sorts of emails prior to the event "reminding" you that if you prefer not to participate in said Fun (subtext: DIE LOSER DIE!) you are EXPECTED to stay in the office and work *)$&*@%#!

Peeps - I hope your weekend is full of sparkly fun involving zero office work.

P.S. TGIF