STATUS #1: I LOVE MY JOB!
4:30AM - wake up an hour (AN HOUR) before alarm is supposed to go off - cannot fall back asleep (and by the way - went to bed at 11:30PM)
6:15AM - drive to Starbucks for 2 green iced teas (take note: this ends up being the highlight of my day...by far)
6:30AM - at my desk putting the finishing touches on my presentation and wrapping up remaining loose ends for the big-3 day-employees-flying in-but-needed-3-rounds-of -approval- because-we're-not-allowed-to-spend-any-money-and-boss-will-be-showing-up-so-this-had-better-be-f*cking-worth-it-meeting
8:00AM - go to meeting room 1/2 an hour early to prep. I'm organized that way.
8:15AM - hmm…that's weird…the conference phone doesn't look like it's on. Duh, just needs to be plugged in.
8:16AM - um, gee, I don't think it's supposed to flash and crackle like that…maybe it's just warming up?
8:25AM - ok DEFINITELY something wrong with phone - not good - need phone - otherwise will have to resort to morse code and smoke signals
8:26AM - enlist (ok, order) team member to "GO FIND ME ANOTHER PHONE THAT WORKS"
8:27AM - said team member locates other phone but spends considerable amounts of time extracting it from a tangled mangled pile of wires
8:30AM - same team member has finally unraveled snake pit of phone cords and is ready to swap it out with original piece of sh*t phone…only…wait? What's that? Original phone miraculously starts working. Of course.
8:32AM - boot up the projector so I can kick off my fabulous intro and rockin' powerpoint presentation
8:45AM - everyone has arrived, ice breaker is underway…people laughing…boss shows up and joins the fun…this is working out swimmingly!
9:00AM - our first guest presenter - via phone. Due to the magic of technology, am able to display her presentation from my laptop through a projector and onto a movie screen that comes down from the ceiling with the flick of a switch. Nothing but the best technology.
9:15AM - uh-oh…what happened? Presentation looks all blurry on the screen…lots of weird colors and lines…pretty sure I'm not on an acid trip
9:17AM - I know! I'll press a few computer keys which will magically fix this little problem!
9:20AM - I know! I'll reboot the projector!
9:25AM - I know! I'll retract the movie screen so the presentation will be projected onto the whiteboard instead.
9:26AM - Wait what?? What the f*ck does retracting the screen do? It's the same pyschedelic presentation - whether projecting on a movie screen or on a whiteboard. IDIOT. IDIOT. IDIOT.
9:27AM - presenter doesn't realize we can't see anything she's referring to - so she keeps talking - ok - must quietly resort to emergency back up plan which is….
9:28AM - RUN like hell to the facilities room to get help
9:29AM - getting blank stares from facilities dudes (clearly not a good sign)
THEM: No one knows how to fix that hi-tech fancy hanging-from-the-ceiling projector. Only Dave knows how. And Dave is retiring.
ME: WHAT?! Well where the F*CK is Dave now?? He's where?? On vacation??? &$^%#!(*!
THEM: Oh, um, hey, I think we have a portable projector you could use? Would that help?
ME: Why are you still standing there?? Of course it would help!!! Hurry up and Hand it over now!! (Translation: Remedy my problem or I'll kill you)
STATUS #2: WORK CAN REALLY BE A GRIND SOMETIMES
9:31AM - Quickly set up portable projector. And 1, 2, 3….nothing. Are you kidding me??? Starting to sweat. No, I mean literally. Am getting sweaty. Try everything on god's green earth I know how to do to get that mofo to start.
9:32AM - RUN back to facilities dude. Heads. Will. Roll.
ME: (veins bulging, teeth clenched) Um…THIS projector doesn't work either. Do you have another one? (You complete morons)
ME: daggers, daggers, daggers
THEM: Hmmm…you know…I think Julie might have a spare one?
RUN to the other side of the building. (Definitely NOT helping my sweaty situation.)
Get to Julie. Angels are singing. Julie will save me! Julie looks like she knows things. Important things. She's not sweaty. And Presto. Another projector. Want to marry Julie.
RUN back to meeting.
(Note to self: must find a way to discreetly grab one of those napkins over there and mop my face)
Quickly set up projector. And 1, 2, 3….nothing. C*CK SUCKER MOTHER F*CKER.
Now 3 people (including my boss) are trying to help me because I'm sure they're thinking I'M the problem. I mean what was with that whole movie screen retraction thing anyway? She clearly should stick to looking at spreadsheets.
Am dripping sweat. I'm talking rivulets people.
Everyone and their brother try to get Julie's projector to work. (Julie…how could you do this to me?! The engagement is definitely off)
RUN around trying to find another projector.
Return to meeting room. In my absence someone decided to try using the original hi-tech, fancy, hanging-from-the-ceiling projector again and?…...it works just fine now. Of course.
Ask myself if perhaps I'm in the vortex of evil. Or maybe the Bermuda Triangle of technology.
STATUS #3: NOTE TO SELF - REMEMBER TO BOOKMARK MONSTER.COM
1:00PM - guest speaker #2 - live and in person. BUT - dialed into a conference line in order for remote employees to participate. There was MUCH coordination to get to this point but it was worth it! Here we go!
1:01PM - Begin my introduction of esteemed speaker who is sitting next to the conference phone - which I had initially put on mute - so as not to bother phone attendees with meeting prep noise
1:02PM - Get 3 words into my introduction when (semi-)esteemed speaker says SH*T. He had tried to unmute the phone, but instead disconnected the 20 people dialed in for the call.
1:03PM - Seriously?
STATUS #4: I MEAN C'MON. I'M NOT THAT OLD TO WORK AT STARBUCKS.
Who-The-Hell-Knows:30 PM -
Finally, 3rd speaker - and last guest presenter for the day. Thank god because frankly this meeting is now seriously hampering my plans to take a bath in a tub full of vodka.
Everyone is settled in. This will be good. Speaker is calm and collected. Also knows important things. Maybe he's related to Julie?
Speaker no sooner tries to kick off his presentation, when his laptop spontaneously reboots.
STATUS #5: I DON'T CARE IF I HAVE TO WORK AT THE DMV (not that there's anything wrong with that...)